15 Years and Counting

Tomorrow is my 15 year high school reunion. I was really excited about going for a while. I have even been involved in the planning process, but as the actual reunion approaches, I really don't want to go. I have come to realize over the last few months that I am anti-social. It's not that I don't want to socialize, but when I get in a situation with a lot of people, I become a wallflower. I try to fade into the background and not be seen. I never know what to say to people, and no matter how hard I try, I feel like a big, old dork when I try to make small talk.

Don't get me wrong, I look forward to seeing a few of my old classmates. Some were close friends that I rarely talk to anymore. I have not been the best at keeping up old friendships. I don't know why that is either. I think it stems from the same reason I don't make small talk well - I am afraid that people just don't really care what I have to say, or what is going on in my life, and I don't want to bore them with the details, so we just end up drifting apart.

I was the same way in school. I had a few close friends, but I never felt any real ties with most of my classmates. I think it is that way for a lot of people. I always felt like everyone else was more popular, richer, smarter, and just plain more exciting than me. As I later learned, that really wasn't true about most of them. They all had the same insecurities that I had. The ones that I thought were rich really just had families that were deeper in debt than mine. Those that were more popular were just more outgoing than I am.

Anyway - I will go to my reunion, I will talk to my old friends, and I will attempt not to try to make myself fade into the background - but I am not making any promises.